Three Lives of Larry Seigel
Ever know anyone who went through a rugged divorce, that person being the
"dumpee" not the "dumper?" Losing the single anchor
rope they relied on to maintain their position in life, they're lost in a sea
that separates parts of their daily existence into different boats. The Three
Lives of Larry Seigel relates the protagonist's tennis ball tale as he
bounces from one facet of his life to another, searching for a new compass and
"true north." Three Lives is 22 chapters of laughs and
two that elicit tears, because life seldom allows us to come to rips with its
purpose without experiencing both.
Larry Seigel's work, loves, and apartment home compete and conflict for
control of his rudder as he sails through life. He's happy with his job as
marketing manager of a commode manufacturer, but his life is complicated by its
eccentric owner and some of its employees. His 3 love interests and his
interfering ex-wife confuse him as he subconsciously asks, "can I find the
right one without repeating my first mistake?" Larry's spare time
provides no relief as he's buffeted by zany neighbors, mischievous pets and
responsibility for an aging uncle.
Larry's story is told through the unique POV of his eye glasses. Who
better to tell his tale than this constant companion? The following
excerpt is from Chapter 1 of this hilarious novel. We join Larry in the
conference room waiting for his boss, the well-meaning, but bumbling and
eccentric Henry (Mucky) Muckenfuss, to unveil one of his "revolutionary
ideas!"
Mucky stood at the head of the conference table commanding
attention with his silence, the broad smile on his face stretching the mustache
on his upper lip, making it look like a tortured fuzzy caterpillar. Miss
Holland, the platform, and the sheet covered product of his focused mental
energies were behind him, but positioned to one side so all seated at the table would
have an unobstructed view. He picked up a long pointer resting on the table,
cleared his throat, and prepared for his speech and grand announcement.
"What’s wrong with the bathroom?" Henry demanded. "It’s an uncomfortable utilitarian place.
Often its unfriendly, a place you go because you have to." He began pacing
and gesturing as he answered his own question.
I saw the thought reflected on Larry’s face, "Uh-Oh,
Mucky’s been in his film library again—he thinks he’s Patton."
Henry loves movies.
He stopped, placed both hands on the table, his jaw jutted
forward, his eyes interrogating his minions who were trying their utmost to keep
straight faces. Henry’s voice rose as he warmed to his subject. "What do
cold, hard, uncomfortable surroundings breed in a human being? Tension! And what
does tension lead to? Stress! Ladies and gentlemen, stress is an unhealthy
condition, the very bane of modern America. It’s making our people sick,
physically—It’s making them crazy!" His emotional zeal was as high as
the missionary Fischer addressing the Masai for the first time. "Will we
standby in the face of calamity?"
Walter Snively sniveled, "No!" The rest of the
audience choked back their sentiments the best they could as several heads
turned away.
Henry waxed eloquent punctuating his words with hand
movements, "Ladies and gentlemen of M & M, I say…we…will… not…allow…this…to
happen. Behold the Solace!" With practiced grace he stood as
straight and tall as his stature allowed smoothly sweeping the pointer at the
salvation of mankind perched on the platform behind him.
Miss Holland busily untied the string allowing it to fall to earth, then grasp the sheet and swept it away like a damsel removing a negligee
to reveal her charms. Larry instantly recognized the porcelain outline of one
the company’s standard models. But perched regally on the bowl area and
attached to the tank at its rear was a golden work of art. The seat, lid, and a
backrest attached to the tank were all a minimum of two inches thick. The soft
looking material had gray swirls through bright gold and looked as though it
should have covered a settee in a cheap French whorehouse.
Slowly, deliberately, proudly, Henry turned to face the
platform, short only peacock feathers as he strutted back to the monstrosity.
Luke purposely dropped a pen on the floor to get his head beneath table level to
relieve his heaving body absorbing his guffaws.
Spinning on his heels Henry turned to face what he believed
were his ardent adoring disciples. Placing the tip of the pointer on the seat he
exulted the features and benefits of the marvel resting in front of them.
"This will revolutionize the bathroom as we know it
today. The Solace makes a visit there a relaxing, pleasurable experience
rather than a hurried necessity. Look at this beauty. The seat, the lid, and the
special backrest attached to the tank provide a soft, comfortable place to sit.
A non-toxic liquid jell is inside each of the three components. When someone
sits on the seat or lid and leans back against the tank this material fits the
person’s form caressing the user. Why is that important?" Henry smiled at
Miss Holland and, as pre-established, she stepped forward. He extended his hand
and assisted her as she stepped up on the platform. She ascended the stage and
seated herself on the lid like a queen on her throne. Amy sat, prim and proper,
her knees tightly pressed together, pulling her skirt over them as low as it
would stretch. A low buzzing sound started to fill the room.
"Comfortable?" Henry asked.
~~~
Want to know what happened to Miss Holland? Pick up a copy
of The Three Lives of Larry Seigel when it's printed. Keep
checking with this site - we will let you know who will publish it, when it is
available, and how you can get it.
"Open
Minds, Open Books"
Keana-eno-pa-watchee 
